At last, I have finally came to a realisation, I know what my problem is. Having once been free and independent and having confidence and a strong personality my caring role has reduced me to begging for help, needing help and being reliant on other people to do the right thing and help me with my caring role.

This has reduced me to being a prisoner of other peoples desires and needs and has left me dependent on them, which has stripped my confidence and dwindled my psychological and physical strength.

Take today for example,

I woke up to a carer shouting me and telling me that my dog had been violently sick and that there was diarrhoea all over the house. The carers, who are brilliant, helped me clean up the mess and then they showered, dressed, fed my mum her breakfast and helped me get my mum into my car – which is still a nightmare, degrading, undignified and unsafe for my mum and I (sometime soon I will posted a video of it on here to let you see for yourself).

I drove my mum to the day care centre and then I took my dog to the vet. My dog was diagnosed with a stomach bug and was given two injections and tablets to take at home. The total cost was £112.95. I had to borrow money from a friend. I drove home and spent the day trying to get my dog to drink water and chicken soup, which eventually he did, however, was sick again.

I drove back to the day care centre and drove down the lane and stopped behind the community minibus. The lady who normally helps me get my mum into the car, together with the driver, was helping put an elderly lady on the bus. When I stepped out of my car both the lady and the driver looked at me with a look of disdain. I asked them if they had anyone else to put on the bus and the lady said no. Given this, I said that I would reverse up the lane and let them out.

Once I was parked down the lane I went into the day care centre to collect my mum and I asked the other member of staff if she could help me put my mum into my car. She said that she could not as she had a sore back and told me that I would need to wait for the member of staff who was on the minibus to come back. She said that I would not need to wait long as the minibus was only dropping off four elderly people. The time was ten past three.

I wheeled my mum outside and parked her wheelchair next to my car. We waited and waited and waited. I checked my watch and the time was three thirty. I decided to try and get my mum into my car myself. This did not work as my mums wheelchair kept lifting off its back wheels when I was trying to lift my mum up. We waited and waited and waited. The time was now three forty-five.

I was aware that my mums carers would be at my house at four o’clock to change her incontinence pad and that they would be on a tight schedule. I also had my dog in the car as I wanted to keep an eye on him and make sure that he was okay, it was a hot muggy day, too hot for the dog to be in the car. I went back into the day care centre and asked the lady if she could come out and wait with my mum so that I could go and ask a stranger to help me get my mum into my car. There was a man with this lady and he offered to help me. Eventually my mum was helped into the car.

My phone rang at this point and it was the vet asking how my dog was. I explained that he was not managing to drink water and the vet said that I would need to take him to the vets surgery if I could not get him to drink water. During the call the mini bus arrived and the worker who normally helped me was looking at me and frowning at me.

She came over and asked me why I was still there. I explained about the other worker not being able to help as she had a sore back. She went on to say that the other worker had done nothing to help that day due to her sore back.

Correct me if I am wrong in what I say next…

Once again has my mum and I been used as a pawn due to another person’s annoyance?

Have my mum and I been left sitting there for three quarters of an hour because one worker is fed-up doing all the work and another is not pulling their weight?

Or am I being neurotic and unreasonable having such thoughts?

I would appreciate anyone reading this to put up comments on their views of situations such as this, as maybe, my thinking is wrong. It would be good to know what other people think, one way or the other.

I should add the lady that normally helps me is fantastic at her job, she is friendly, thoughtful and always glad to help out. I hope that she is not getting pushed to her limit through another workers laziness and lack of interest in helping.

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On another note, I have finished and passed the University work placement and now I am waiting for the results of the essays which I completed – my fingers are crossed.

After I finished my placement I had a carers assessment carried out. I asked if my mum could attend the day care centre four times a week based on my needs. This was so that I could carry out two days voluntary work and use the other days for studying and also on the basis that my mum would not be charged for this service because it was meeting my needs rather than my mums needs.

Later I received an email saying that because my mum would benefit from the day care centre she would be charged for this service. I automatically though what a ridiculous statement to make. Can I only receive respite if my mum is placed somewhere that will not benefit her, like a padded room or a cell.

I attended the complaints review committee regarding the arrears the local authority say my mum has and the amount that they say my mum should be paying towards her care package. The complaints review committee was a waste of time as I was not allowed to speak and put all my points across, which was my fault for taking someone to represent me, I should have spoke for my self. They also changed the goal posts and said that we could not discuss three of my issues – which were the main issues surrounding the arrears that the local authority say my mum has to pay.

In they end they said that another financial assessment should be completed, which has now been completed by a legal team and was sent to my local authority on the 4th of July 2016. We are still awaiting the outcome of this.

On a positive note, although it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, I was granted a care package which allows me to participate in voluntary work, however, my mum is still stuck at home and isolated and excluded from her community.

My life encompasses begging, pleading, waiting, serving and being dependant on others.

My mum’s life encompasses begging, pleading, waiting and being dependant on others.

and that is just for the basics in life……….

We are joined the carer and the cared for – our needs are great and our freedom is lost.